Nevaeh Grace

On Monday January 7th I went in for a genetic consultation with a maternal/ fetal specialist in Cleveland, Ohio. He sent me down to get an ultrasound to check everything out. As the ultrasound technician was moving around my belly I was looking on the screen and I wasn't sure why but it just seemed like something wasn't right. The technician turns to me and says, "There is a problem. " And after a long pause he tells me, "The baby is no longer alive."

I was well aware that my baby had some problems but I just kept thinking everything would be fine. I was very very wrong.

I was in utter shock. No longer alive? I just felt it kick last night... They tell me that they were going to send me home and have me come back in the morning so they could induce labor and get the baby. It seemed so wrong that I would still have to go through the pain of labor and delivery when my baby wasn't going to be coming home with me.

At 11:00 am Tuesday morning we arrive at the hospital and they take me to Labor and Delivery. They settle me into my room and do all my admittance paperwork. Numerous doctors and nurses come in to ask me questions and check on me. The nurse comes in to put my I.V. in and the doctor checks my cervix. They give me a drug to induce labor. Things were moving very slowly and I was in a lot of emotional pain. I asked the nurse if I would be able to hold the baby after it was delivered. She said I could hold the baby and they would take pictures. They usually cut a lock of hair for me to keep and they do the baby's foot and hand prints. While nothing can take away my pain this does help me a little.

Around 3 pm my water breaks and a few hours later I start to have contractions. Once the contractions get stronger they give me medication in my I.V. to dull the pain. The nurse comes in and does my epidural awhile later. I drifted in and out of sleep for awhile until around 1 am. About that time the contractions were coming more and more so the nurse came in and checked me. She said the baby was coming.

Everything started happening very fast. The delivery was not bad at all. They take the baby out to clean it up. A little while later the nurse comes in and says that they are doing their best to get pictures but that the baby is in really bad shape. She says its a girl. Her poor little bones are so weak they are not able to get footprints for fear of breaking them. I ask the nurse if I can still hold her and she says, "You can but I'm not sure you will want to. She is very deformed. Her skull was crushed during delivery and her bones are soft like jello."

The hospital gave me a memory box with her hospital bracelet, crib card, baby booties, a lock of hair, a teddy bear, and pictures of her hands and feet. I never got to hold my baby girl or hear her tiny cries. I wanted to very badly but I think its a little bit easier to see her as a beautiful little angel in God's hands than the reality of what I could have seen. I have no pictures of her face. I will never get to see her tiny button nose or kiss her chubby cheeks. All I have is an ultrasound picture of my perfect angel baby. Nobody can ever understand the pain I feel and how bad my heart aches unless they have experienced a stillbirth. I would give anything to see my child. She may not be in my arms but she is forever in my heart.